One year tomorrow will be the last day that I heard her strong voice, not her only voice, but her strong voice. One year tomorrow will be the last day that I spoke normal words to her, celebrated with her, and heard her cry.
I grew up in a world where extended family was as important as your immediate. My cousins were my first best friends, and my aunt and uncles were the next step after Mom and Dad. My one grandmother lived with me for years, and my other grandparents were a part of my everyday being. While I wasn't as lucky as my cousins to have them live across the street, we were together many summer days, every holiday, and their beliefs were a part of our very soul thanks to my father and mother. I was often reminded of the importance of family - "Family comes first" - "We might fight, but we don't let anyone fight with us - you always defend your brother and/or sister". And, in all honesty, my family lived by that motto. On more than one occasion Frankie and I would be battling each other, and then fighting whomever chimed into defend us. On more than on occasion I was competing with my cousin, and then be playing together moments later - and now she is a person I admire and aspire to be. Actually, I often look at her and see one of the closest versions of Nana - her intelligence, compassion, faith, inquisitiveness... She was lucky enough to spend hands-on years with Nana, and she is the closest replica of her that I know.
Saying goodbye to my grandpa was devastating. And I did what every emotionally immature, devastated, person does. I pulled away. I visited often while he was sick, rubbed his legs, sat with him in the sun, said goodbye, and only returned to the house twice after his passing. I wasn't as good as my cousins, whom repeatedly returned to show Nana support. I would offer to swing by and take her to the cemetery or the grocery store... I would call and check-in, or drive her to the lake. But I couldn't sit in the house because Grandpa wasn't sitting on the chair. And so I was selfish, let my own comfort stand in the way of further developing my relationship with Nana. Somewhere, deep in my heart though, I am reminded of my favorite part of my family - that no matter how far or close we are geographically/socially/emotionally - we are always reminded that we come first, our family & our love.
And so it was August 7th of last year that I called Nana from summer school to tell her that I was engaged. Her voice sang through the other side of the line, as excited as I, and giggling in a way that she did only when she was at her giddiest. "Oh, Nic, he's a good man... He's a good man." I instantly felt comforted, as if she knew a secret, and could see a bit of my future that was only known to her and her faith. Years ago I had promised myself that when I went wedding dress shopping I would bring Nana with me, even though her vision was almost completely gone, because I knew that she would love that moment. So, as I listened to her voice, I envisioned me in "The Dress" and her sitting beside me touching the dress to have the best understanding. My bridal shower flashed into my head, with her sitting their nodding her head and happy with all of the great gifts I would receive. I pictured ordering her corsage, and watching her biggest smile - the smile she saved when she was happiest with and for her grandchildren. We ended our celebratory conversation with her final words, "Make it be soon, Nic.... Make it be soon."
It's funny how easy it can be to brush off someone's words, and how quickly they can come back to bite you in the ass. It never occurred to me then that she knew something that we didn't. It didn't occur to me that she was, in fact, living in pain or feeling unhealthy in any capacity. It didn't occur to me those words would be the final time I would HER voice. It was only a matter of days before she was in the hospital, with the 24 hour care from her children she deserved. And while she had coherent moments with her children, and many grandchildren, I was never privy for those moments - I believe that was her last gift to me. She left me with the gift of remembering our last words - that our last words were celebrating the most exciting moment of my life. She left me with reassurance, excitement, and trust.
In true form, she was still giving me gifts in her final days...
_________________________________________________________________________________
**This post was started a couple of weeks ago, and finished today. 1 year and 1 day since she has passed. Nana, I'm so glad that you have taken the journey to be back with Grandpa. I can't think of a couple whom deserve to be together more than the two of you. Missing you everyday. Love, Nicole
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Friday, August 1, 2014
The Wedding Day I Swore I Would Not Blog About
So, I promised myself that I wasn't going to blog about my wedding. I swore that this forum was for communicating the practice of teaching, the promise of our students in the future, and the hard work and dedication teachers and students do each and every day.
I lied. I lied that I could separate myself from teaching - teaching is who I am in the profession and as a person. I lied to myself that the wedding wouldn't be perfect. I lied to myself that no one else cared about the details. And I lied to myself when I said it was only a day. I am exactly 3 weeks in and have forever to go, but I can tell you that this was way more than a single day.
"What time is it?" I inquired from my cousin, Kathie - we were sharing a bed like we did as kids. "It's 4:00 in the morning... You NEED to go back to sleep." And so I did. At 5:30 I flipped and flopped in the bed feeling guilty for being restless, and yet not being able to stop. I wanted to talk, to bounce, to dance, and to say "I DO." "What time is it now?" I tried again. "It's 6:00," she said with a smile and a sigh. "Can we PLEASE talk now?" I requested. And as Kathie always did, she gave in to her big cousin, even though she probably would have loved a few more hours of kid-free sleep.
I bounced and plotted all morning. Rewriting the programs, creating a list of last minute places to go, and making plans with my mom. I be-bopped around until 10:00. My mother, Kathie, and I walked into Rumor's Salon & Spa to all of my bridesmaids, a private room, and mimosas waiting. I sat with my "Mrs. French" zip-up sweatshirt unable to understand that it was finally My Turn. I watched in awe as my friends' hair was whipped into updos, my niece's curls became a Princess mane, and a tiara was placed on my head. Make-up was finished on everyone, and they all sat and waited for the finishing touch - the veil. As Jordan placed the veil on my head, I took a deep breath. It was my turn to marry my best friend. I couldn't wait to walk down the aisle to Kevin.
In a whirlwind of chatter, strapless bras, and and plum dresses I watched everyone prepare for the wedding. Their smiles and excitement were contagious, and yet I still felt like I sat on the outside watching. I didn't quite know my role - wasn't I supposed to help someone else get dressed, fix someone's hair, apply their lip gloss, or fluff their dress? This had to be a dream. I sat alone for a minute taking deep breaths, trying to figure out who I was on this day... And then the photographer arrived, and with a flurry I was in a dress being fluffed, zipped and buttoned. Ericka was applying my lip gloss and buttoning my dress, Lisa was snapping away as Patti went under my dress to sort through the 5 layers. Kathie was checking on my mother and father, as my sister assured me that Kevin was going to fall in love with me all over again. Justine and Shannon were like giddy little kids - I think they had waited for this day longer than me. Alexis seemed to be at my beck and call, knowing what I needed before I even said the word. My sisters-in-laws were waiting downstairs as I walked down the stairs, and my brother stared with tears in his eyes. It was finally my turn to say, "I do."
Pictures went by in a flash, and I was as awkward in front of the camera as I always am - I just wanted to get on that bus and head to the church. As the giant purple Giddy Up school bus arrived, everyone shook their heads, cheered and laughed. There is no better transportation for a wedding in Saratoga, with a teacher as the bride. The next 45 minutes seemed to last an eternity, and I couldn't wait to see my soon-to-be husband. With shaking hands, I grabbed my dad's arm, and began my last journey with the name Sisto. There seemed to be all of these faces standing of the way of me and Kevin. I felt like I was supposed to see them and smile, but I just wanted to see him - to stand next to him. Thank goodness there was music playing by the band, orchestra, and music teachers at my school - it helped me keep to a beat, otherwise I would have sprinted!
Amongst some nerves, tears, and laughter we said our vows, "I do", and had our first kiss as Mr. & Mrs. French. As we sat down for communion a former student sang the song, "I Will Be Here". It brought many of the guests to tears (including myself) and earned her many cheers in this Roman Catholic Church. I am hoping to upload the video to share as it is truly one of the most touching moments I've had as a teacher. We headed outside, hand-in-hand as newlyweds, and were greeted soon after by a handful of former students that brought Samson to the church for photos with us. When I had spotted so many of them in the church, I literally gasped and caught my breath - with tears in my eyes, I was grinning at them from ear to ear. I even watched one of them mouth, "She saw us." That is the thing about teaching - these people become the people that sing at your wedding, the few people in the world that you trust your pets with - they become a piece of your world and a huge piece of your heart.
Over the next seven hours the party bus arrived and we celebrated, pictures were taken, speeches and blessings were delivered, and lots of laughter and hugs were shared. When I tell you that I have never felt so much love and happiness in a room, I am telling you the honest truth. If we bottled it all up and shared it across the world, I think we could dominate nuclear weapons. The food was wonderful, the outdoor venue was gorgeous, the Super Moon was shining, band playing, Mother Nature was on our side - you could not have scripted a better evening. It was the fairytale I had always dreamed of, and never thought I would have. See, throughout the planning process, I had been a bride that repeatedly said, "Things will go wrong. And when they do, if Kevin and I end up happy and married at the end of the day, then nothing else matters. Everything else is just stuff." I recommend this mantra for all brides, because when something goes astray (and it will), hopefully you will not get caught in it for too long. If you remember who you are there for, and why you are there, then nothing else can take your day.
Our families and friends intertwined and became one that day, just as we did as a couple. The bridal party laughed and danced, and it was easy to see how lucky and blessed we were to be a part of their lives. At one point I looked up at Kevin and said, "How can all of these people be here for us? How can they all love us so much?" And all he could do was shrug his shoulders and shake his head.
In all of the dancing and happiness, I don't remember who I danced with, or who I had long conversations with... I never made it to the slider station, and didn't remember to even look at the dessert station, but I do remember one thing - I have never seen my husband look more handsome or happy as he did on that day, and even in our darkest days I hope to always remember him in that light.
I lied. I lied that I could separate myself from teaching - teaching is who I am in the profession and as a person. I lied to myself that the wedding wouldn't be perfect. I lied to myself that no one else cared about the details. And I lied to myself when I said it was only a day. I am exactly 3 weeks in and have forever to go, but I can tell you that this was way more than a single day.
"What time is it?" I inquired from my cousin, Kathie - we were sharing a bed like we did as kids. "It's 4:00 in the morning... You NEED to go back to sleep." And so I did. At 5:30 I flipped and flopped in the bed feeling guilty for being restless, and yet not being able to stop. I wanted to talk, to bounce, to dance, and to say "I DO." "What time is it now?" I tried again. "It's 6:00," she said with a smile and a sigh. "Can we PLEASE talk now?" I requested. And as Kathie always did, she gave in to her big cousin, even though she probably would have loved a few more hours of kid-free sleep.
I bounced and plotted all morning. Rewriting the programs, creating a list of last minute places to go, and making plans with my mom. I be-bopped around until 10:00. My mother, Kathie, and I walked into Rumor's Salon & Spa to all of my bridesmaids, a private room, and mimosas waiting. I sat with my "Mrs. French" zip-up sweatshirt unable to understand that it was finally My Turn. I watched in awe as my friends' hair was whipped into updos, my niece's curls became a Princess mane, and a tiara was placed on my head. Make-up was finished on everyone, and they all sat and waited for the finishing touch - the veil. As Jordan placed the veil on my head, I took a deep breath. It was my turn to marry my best friend. I couldn't wait to walk down the aisle to Kevin.
In a whirlwind of chatter, strapless bras, and and plum dresses I watched everyone prepare for the wedding. Their smiles and excitement were contagious, and yet I still felt like I sat on the outside watching. I didn't quite know my role - wasn't I supposed to help someone else get dressed, fix someone's hair, apply their lip gloss, or fluff their dress? This had to be a dream. I sat alone for a minute taking deep breaths, trying to figure out who I was on this day... And then the photographer arrived, and with a flurry I was in a dress being fluffed, zipped and buttoned. Ericka was applying my lip gloss and buttoning my dress, Lisa was snapping away as Patti went under my dress to sort through the 5 layers. Kathie was checking on my mother and father, as my sister assured me that Kevin was going to fall in love with me all over again. Justine and Shannon were like giddy little kids - I think they had waited for this day longer than me. Alexis seemed to be at my beck and call, knowing what I needed before I even said the word. My sisters-in-laws were waiting downstairs as I walked down the stairs, and my brother stared with tears in his eyes. It was finally my turn to say, "I do."
Pictures went by in a flash, and I was as awkward in front of the camera as I always am - I just wanted to get on that bus and head to the church. As the giant purple Giddy Up school bus arrived, everyone shook their heads, cheered and laughed. There is no better transportation for a wedding in Saratoga, with a teacher as the bride. The next 45 minutes seemed to last an eternity, and I couldn't wait to see my soon-to-be husband. With shaking hands, I grabbed my dad's arm, and began my last journey with the name Sisto. There seemed to be all of these faces standing of the way of me and Kevin. I felt like I was supposed to see them and smile, but I just wanted to see him - to stand next to him. Thank goodness there was music playing by the band, orchestra, and music teachers at my school - it helped me keep to a beat, otherwise I would have sprinted!
Amongst some nerves, tears, and laughter we said our vows, "I do", and had our first kiss as Mr. & Mrs. French. As we sat down for communion a former student sang the song, "I Will Be Here". It brought many of the guests to tears (including myself) and earned her many cheers in this Roman Catholic Church. I am hoping to upload the video to share as it is truly one of the most touching moments I've had as a teacher. We headed outside, hand-in-hand as newlyweds, and were greeted soon after by a handful of former students that brought Samson to the church for photos with us. When I had spotted so many of them in the church, I literally gasped and caught my breath - with tears in my eyes, I was grinning at them from ear to ear. I even watched one of them mouth, "She saw us." That is the thing about teaching - these people become the people that sing at your wedding, the few people in the world that you trust your pets with - they become a piece of your world and a huge piece of your heart.
Over the next seven hours the party bus arrived and we celebrated, pictures were taken, speeches and blessings were delivered, and lots of laughter and hugs were shared. When I tell you that I have never felt so much love and happiness in a room, I am telling you the honest truth. If we bottled it all up and shared it across the world, I think we could dominate nuclear weapons. The food was wonderful, the outdoor venue was gorgeous, the Super Moon was shining, band playing, Mother Nature was on our side - you could not have scripted a better evening. It was the fairytale I had always dreamed of, and never thought I would have. See, throughout the planning process, I had been a bride that repeatedly said, "Things will go wrong. And when they do, if Kevin and I end up happy and married at the end of the day, then nothing else matters. Everything else is just stuff." I recommend this mantra for all brides, because when something goes astray (and it will), hopefully you will not get caught in it for too long. If you remember who you are there for, and why you are there, then nothing else can take your day.
Our families and friends intertwined and became one that day, just as we did as a couple. The bridal party laughed and danced, and it was easy to see how lucky and blessed we were to be a part of their lives. At one point I looked up at Kevin and said, "How can all of these people be here for us? How can they all love us so much?" And all he could do was shrug his shoulders and shake his head.
In all of the dancing and happiness, I don't remember who I danced with, or who I had long conversations with... I never made it to the slider station, and didn't remember to even look at the dessert station, but I do remember one thing - I have never seen my husband look more handsome or happy as he did on that day, and even in our darkest days I hope to always remember him in that light.
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