A Series About Testing: NYS Says I Am Nothing More Than A Number

This piece was written last September in a reaction to student test scores and teacher evaluation.  

"You all get A+++!" I exclaimed to my students sitting all along the floor in front of me.  I sat down on the pink velour chair feeling really great about myself as a teacher.  None of my students ever spoke during instruction or talked back, their answers were always right, and they were all great friends.  I knew looking at Teddy, Froggy, Raggedy Ann, and Prima Ballerina that I was meant to be a teacher.

Unlike other teachers, I wasn't the model student.  I was never disrespectful, but certainly known as a "Social Butterfly".  I didn't memorize my multiplication facts, making division near impossible, and I had a tutor at the mere age of 9.  It never mattered to me that I wasn't the perfect student; I still wanted to be a teacher.  I thought all of my teachers were amazing.  Mrs. Dakota was my first grade teacher.  She was the first African-American woman I was really close to, and she would speak French!  I remember feeling like she was one of the smartest women in the world.  Mrs. Mahoney, my third grade teacher, who always smiled and helped me with a very gentle voice- I knew she loved all of her students.  Mr. Harvey challenged me and questioned my thinking, but he valued my strengths.  Mrs. Van Buren in sixth grade really listened to what I had to say.  Ms. Gleason encouraged me to take physics despite the principal telling me it was too hard and to drop the class.  She took the time to read my tests to me 1:1, afterschool, to ensure my anxiety stayed under control.  Being a teacher in a small private school, she made it clear that she was never in teaching for the money.  She challenged us to think about real world issues that we were always taught were "wrong" and "sinful".  Ms. Gleason was the first woman to teach me that it was okay to stand-up and fight for what you believe in - that as women we owed it to one another.  She believed in me, and taught me more about being a teacher who loves and respects her students than any other single individual.  I went off to college to be trained to be a teacher.  I believed in my heart I was meant to be a teacher, and to this day I don't question that my purpose in this world is to educate.  I don't envision a second career, or another place in the world where I am more passionate. 

However, no college program in the world could have prepared me for the actual nuances of education at this time.  It never would have occurred to me that one of the noblest of professions would be radically questioned and so violently disrespected. 

See, last week I became a number.  Last week, my students became a mere score.  Every teacher became a label, and panic set in.  I allowed a number to dictate my feelings about myself, about my profession, and most tragically - my students.  I began to use words like "effective" and "highly effective", "developing" and "ineffective". 

The assumption that I was defined by a mathematical equation was insidious.  I began to question everything I believed as a teacher.  I began to wonder if I had wasted countless lunch periods relating to my students, and helping them solve their personal issues, because that wasn't added into my equation.  How many Saturdays had I spent at softball, baseball, football, and basketball games just to see them shine outside my classroom?  That didn't help my confidence interval at all.  Questioning whether or not to keep our students with special needs in my class in the future raced through my head because their "growth" might be less.  I was spewing out factual data about the growth of remedial readers versus the complexities of the test.  Analyzing my former students test scores, and comparing my current student tests scores began making my chest tight. 

With my head in my hands, alone in my darkened classroom, I just sobbed.   

And for a moment, I believed that the state was right.  I was just effective.  I would never want an "effective" doctor.  I would never want an "effective" pilot.  I would want the best for me, and my loved ones, and I want the best for my students.  This equation made me question myself, and whether or not I was best for my students. 

And then I remembered sitting on the pink velour chair, and knowing in my heart that I was meant to teach.  I remembered getting my first job, and knowing that I had finally found my soul mate - teaching.  I remembered that I am an individual that is willing to learn how to be better, but will also stand up for what I believe.  Most importantly, I remembered the 25 faces that sit before me each and every single day, whom need a teacher who believes in herself, and is confident in her teaching. 

I will take my score, and my label, from NYS.  I will read about my confidence interval and how that changes the scores, and follow the arrows on the flow chart, to eventually lead to my label.  But, I will not let this define me.  I will not let a highly ineffective group of non-educators decide who I am - not today, or any day.  I will continue to do research and inquiry into best teaching practices.  I will continue to be reflective about what my students need.  I will be a teacher who develops every single day because that is what we SHOULD do, rather than putting that label on an evaluation with negative connotation.  Shouldn't we all, as professionals in all areas, be developing every single day?  I will take the words "highly effective, effective, developing, and ineffective" out of my vocabulary, and choose to find words that describe me as an educator, just as I do my students. 

I encourage accountability.  I don't believe teachers should be immune to being held to a standard.  However, speak to the professionals.  Hear our words.  Listen and debate with us, rather than against us.  Meet our students - see these children.  Find out where they come from, and not just their standardized test scores.  Ask parents what they want for their children in life, and how you can assist.  Ask educators what we need to see the improvements necessary - we will be very honest.  Set standards for all associated with children.  Acknowledge the facts about literacy in the early years, before children even enter our school system. 

I encourage you, Governor Cuomo - come into my classroom.  Come speak to our teachers.  We don't want to be your target, we want to work together and possibly even be a team.  Didn't anyone tell you that it takes a village to raise a child?  Certainly not just a teacher.